Jesus Christ-mas Shopping

Uh-oh. Christmas shopping is hell on earth. I bought one present from a pound shop based purely on their inability to spell things properly. So, xmas shopping in Stoke Newington, what to expect? It's full of screaming children, yummy mummy's and unobjectionable lesbians. Oh, and the straight-acting one from The Mighty Boosh. No one seems bothered by extortionate prices or the dubious legitimacy of so many 'organic' products. Still, the squirrels are happy.

There are so many things wrong with the toys on offer, but if you want your child to look like a hooker, then the world is your oyster.

It's during times like these that I've developed a genuine affection for people like Simon Cowell.