Your televisual reward? Repeats galore, top 100 lists (D-listers berating A-listers) and a festive Top of The Pops. In a swarming sea of terrible programmes, this was a relatively polished turd. What do we learn?
* Kate Nash looks quite good with drag queen lips. Robyn doesn’t look good with drag queen eyebrows.
* Mark Owen cannot sing for shit (and someone really should’ve told him that Diana died)
* Indie is in a sorry state.
* Leona Lewis has a big pair of lungs. (the newly crowned queen of Hackney was played 4 times in 2 hours at The Joiners Arms the other night, so you know)
* The script writers managed to liken Katie Melua to a turkey sandwich. Top marks.
* Thanks to this downloading bollocks, we’re gonna have the same crap Christmas songs in the charts from now until the end of the internet. What a bunch of haggard faggots.
* Girls Aloud’s Nichola had the best and biggest hair, until the ticker tape started leeching over their ‘dos.
* Leon Jackson. You’ve got six weeks.
So, can we have TOTP back please? Ta.