Merry Christmas Kids.

Your televisual reward? Repeats galore, top 100 lists (D-listers berating A-listers) and a festive Top of The Pops. In a swarming sea of terrible programmes, this was a relatively polished turd. What do we learn?

* Kate Nash looks quite good with drag queen lips. Robyn doesn’t look good with drag queen eyebrows.

* Mark Owen cannot sing for shit (and someone really should’ve told him that Diana died)

* Indie is in a sorry state. Leeds bands have to share pyrotechnics.

* Leona Lewis has a big pair of lungs. (the newly crowned queen of Hackney was played 4 times in 2 hours at The Joiners Arms the other night, so you know)

* The script writers managed to liken Katie Melua to a turkey sandwich. Top marks.

* The best pop song of 2007 was Umbrella. Her live dancers weren’t as good as my Hidden Cameras stint at Munich Gay Pride though. They were better. And, spookily, it is ACTUALLY RAINING right now.

* Thanks to this downloading bollocks, we’re gonna have the same crap Christmas songs in the charts from now until the end of the internet. What a bunch of haggard faggots.

* Girls Aloud’s Nichola had the best and biggest hair, until the ticker tape started leeching over their ‘dos.

* Leon Jackson. You’ve got six weeks.

So, can we have TOTP back please? Ta.