Top 5 things to say to annoy a barman

“I’M NEXT!” Actually, I usually know who is next. When I don’t know who is next, I ask - then you could smile or raise you hand or do anything other than shout aggressively in my face. Most barmen respond really well to not being shouted at aggressively in the face, try it.

“I’m a really nice person” (this usually comes just after “don’t get me wrong”). Without fail, every person who has had to inform me that they’re nice has turned out to be a total asswipe. The thing is, being nice should be self evident. Nice people don’t need to tell you they’re nice, they just get on with being lovely human beings. People that have to tell you they are nice are usually pre-empting their casual racism/bigotry or trying to get a discount on their drinks.

“I just tell it as it is...” People who say this rarely do. What they actually mean is they take great pleasure in slagging others off, or saying whatever they like regardless of how offensive it is. The what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person usually doesn’t know when to shut up.

“I’m a barman myself…” Gonna stop you right there. If you were truly a barman yourself you would know exactly how annoying that is, exactly how little I care about hearing the extended version of your life story, exactly how little we have in common and EXACTLY how annoying it is to have other people tell you how to do your job properly.

“I’ve been waiting twenty minutes...” No love, you haven’t. I have eyes, the same things that you’re using to watch me pour drinks for the ten people who got to the bar before you.

p.s. the key to being a great barman is to be a great listener.